i have a crush

in one of my posts i have mentioned having a crush on my coworker. i don't have a crush on him anymore, but on someone else. guess who. his sister. i met her almost a year ago, when i started working at the store (i still work there). i found her interesting and cute right from the beginning, but didn't know her at all, she did morning shifts and i did afternoons. she used to be my manager, but as i have said, i didn't go on almost any shifts with her. then i got promoted and was learning how to do my duties and around that time we probably got to talk to each other a bit more, but i cannot remember properly. we got to know each other more and i found out that she's amazing, but she had a boyfriend, who didn't deserve her at all and was saying nasty and mean stuff to her and he doesn't think she's good enough. she then broke up with him after 1,5 years of relationship and i thought to myself that it's great, that he was just a leech. but since she had had just recently broken up with him back then, i didn't think it would be okay for me to try something with her, which is maybe how i subconsciously developed a crush on her brother, even though there is literally nothing interesting about him and he's boring. she is really kind and often picks me up after work so i can sleep at their house (she lives with her parents, brother, his wife) and is very caring. she doesn't seem to make her mind up about that leech though, as she's still visiting him on a regular basis and sleeps with him. i don't know whether i should complicate things and show my interest or just stay friends, as i am a femcel and have very little experience. i don't know what to do, but she seems like the kind of person i can imagine spending my life with.

work drama

it was all going okay, until i met this fucker at work. he is the brother of one of my coworkers, who also happens to be my friend and he has a part time job there. lets call him joe. we sort of started chatting at work and go on lunch breaks together during our shifts. it has been something i have been looking for every single time at work. i think i forgot to mention something. he has a wife. and she looks similar to me and he makes sure to repeat it almost all the time. but apart from looks, we are completely different. me and joe have lots in common and he is not bad looking, so i developped a crush on him. boy was that terrible. i wore clothes to showcase my figure, mind you not revealing, i am not 16 anymore, just to show off a bit. i tried to meet him at work when it was not necessarry and sort on. this makes me sound terrible, but his behaviour was much more proactive than mine. from touching me to weird flirtatious comments. after i got to know him more, i realised that my crush was not reasonable. although he has great qualities as a friend, he is also not what i find attractive in a partner. i think he just has good pheromones to be honest. so i want to be only friends with him lol.

life of a femcel

hello fellow simslovers! with my upcoming 21st birthday i feel the societal burden to settle down and have children. i do want to have children, but at the same time dont, cos i am scared of raising them. another problem is, there is no one i would like to have children with. i only had one real relationship, which was when i was 16 and it lasted a little over a month. unfortunately, i didnt love the boy i dated and there were crucial differences between us, i still kinda have to cringe when i look back at these times. the only guys that took interest in me were the ones who didnt attract me at all, unfortunately. i dont think its right to commit to a relationship you feel coersed into... and i dont have any high standarts mind you! i can well imagine falling myself in love with someone who looks like hayden christensen (< 3) as well as thom yorke. so im not like some delusional incel, who doesnt appreciate the beauty of real normal people. it seems like not many guys are interested in me, which i sort of dont understand. sure, i am no model, but i think im cute. i have nice facial proportions and a well shaped body. i think i am quite charming as well. i feel left out. whenever another girl talks about ten guys hitting her up and how its so annoying, im standing there like whaat? how does that even happen? and the girls are normal average looking ones as well, so it feels weird. i think i just have to accept that im gonna be alone forever, but i would kind of want a child, because i dont feel like im the one destined to end my ancestry... i think i should just give up, not that im doing anything actively, but as an introspective person, most of my life happens on the inside anyway. i just feel betrayed by all those movies and songs that promised me love at first sight... this may sound childish, but i think that many times what we call (childish) is just what we truly feel, but learned to suppress and ignore. i should just focus on my stuff, whatever that is, to find inner peace. on the other hand even some grannies that married because it was expected from them have found their happiness, even without love.

life update

hello ! so long time no see, but do not worry, i am still here, just didnt feel compelled to post anything and lowkey had forgotten i have a blog. so i got promoted at my job, which means much more responsibilities for almost no pay rise lol, but they kept asking me until i gave in. now i can do returns and stuff like that, which makes the job sort of more exciting, but its still working with people, so many times they just want to degrade you or are completely stupid... i once had a customer, who had complained that her grapefruit was on sale, but the price wasnt right. so i checked and saw that it used to be 48 per kilo and she had 500 grams. so the old price was 24 per 500 grams and on the bottom of the receipt was the discount which was -10. which meant that in the end she had paid 14 for it. i understood, that she might have been confused, which can happen, so i explained this to her and she still kept going on and on that it should have been cheaper. so i pulled out a calculator and showed her that it was right and she had said that both me and the calculator were lying. then she asked me, why her grapefruit was only 500 grams, i mean what should one respond to that? i dunno, maybe they didnt water it enough? the fuck? she left and didnt return it in the end, but she still thought that i ripped her of, now i know that the best way to deal with stupid people is to sort of tell them that they are right or not do anything and play dumb, cos i wasted like 5 minutes on this lady and i didnt even get a tip....

what is real?

whole life is mostly happening in my head. Whenever i'm walking or doing something, i don't feel real, the world doesn't seem real, it is sort of spinning around me. If someone starts talking to me, it's like i hit the fourth wall, i am always stunned. Why is it this way? it has been like this for years, do others perceive it the same way?! am i trapped inside some dream? am i alive?..... am i crazy?

what am i even doing?

i have no idea, what im doing. what is real and what is not? who am i? why do i feel so lonely, but at the same time i do not believe that anyone could fill this empty feeling? i feel nice very often, but then all of a sudden get this sinking feeling. at work i have to spend time and collaborate with colleagues, but most times do not have the will or energy to. is this what adult life is supposed to be like? counting how many hours left i have at work, coming home empty and looking at my planner to see when i go to work next time. i feel like i have a soulmate tho, my dog. but time flies and he wont be here forever... i do not want to die, but at the same time have no idea how to live either. i want to travel, but i know that that is just a temporary fix, because you cannot fix an inside problem with outside solutions. is this how its gonna be forever? all i want to do is smoke marlboros all day and lay in the bed with my dog. i do not want to spend time with people i do not like, they DRAIN ME.

am I ill?!

Today i woke up after 11 hours of sleep, it felt so weird. I thought it ws no more than 8 am or so, i thought: "hmmmm, imma sleep for a few more hours", just out of curiosity i looked at my phone to check the time. It was 3 fucking 45 pm!!! wtf jesus.... How is that even possible? So i spend my day being lazy as always and creating a sim in sims 2 for an hour (all my sims look the same anyway :)) and ate real good!!!! I had a chocolate and nut filled croissant that my dad bought me yesterday (i always put it over a toaster for a few minutes until it's a bit brown and crispyy), coffee, chocolate bar (twix), 3 carrots, a glass of eggnog. That was in the "morning" (4 to 8 pm). But I started feeling very weird and my head hurts a bit, i also feel lowkey dizzy. I hope i'm not sick cos i fucking hate being sick... Then i had some potato salad with bread rolls and gherkins. It was a nice lunch yay! For a snack me and my dad had some ridicoulously overpriced ice cream (monte!) and at half past midnight i made an omellette and had some leftover creamy mushroom pasta. It was nice food but please i hope i'm not sick :o

kitty trouble

So my sister month ago decided to take her cat to live with her. sis used to live with us, but thenshe got a new boyfriend and after a little while wanted to move in with him. they'd gotten a new flat. she wasn't visitting us at all, altho our house is probably just 25 km away. her cat J was living with me at home the whole time and we were pretty happy about it. she has a friend in here as well, our wolfdog G. out of nowhere, sis wanted J to move in with her, mind you that J is a hybrid cat, meaning that when she wants to go outside, she can and vice versa. but in the flat this is simply not possible and she would have had to stay inside all the time. seems like sis thinks of her more as just a cute stuffed animal or sum, otherwise i don't understand it. so they took J to live with them. she was probs not very happy in there cos she peed on their bed all the fucking time. so....... they returned her back home :)

do i like my job?

okkkk so, i have graduated from a fairly prestigious highschool with nice grades, but for some reason had no idea which university to choose. i used to live in survival mode for so many years that i would spend my days just waiting to get home from school, watched movies or played games and stuff like that. i was just waiting for my highschool to be over, it was truly a nightmare. but then boom - i actually finished it. now what? i had no idea what i wanted to do, who i wanted to be. so i just decided to do some job while i decide on what school i want to study and apply next year. i became a cashier in a supermarket, which was super difficult at first, because i had struggled with social anxiety for many years. but surprisingly a customer service job helped me to overcome it. i realised that most people are focused on their own little world and do not care about others. plus most of them are kinda socially awkward as well lol. somehow a switch inside me flipped and i kinda stopped giving a fuck. well, not completely, i'm not about to run naked around people or sum.... the job is not hard, at least when it's not christmas. some people are rude, but not like crazy karens you see on the internet. more like unresponsive, do not say thank you, complain and do that kind of shit, not a freakout. i kinda just focus on the job as if i am an actor in a movie and perform my lines... tbh after the whole day i hate saying my lines. but since the job is repetitive, i can think about my own stuff, just have to keep an eye on the items and the total. sometimes it is boring, but in the end of the day i walk out of there with a clear mind and do not have to worry about having to finish my work at home or having to be competitive. there are few issues tho. first of all, the pay is not great, it is slightly higher than minimal wage. second of all, the job doesn't have any direction, it is endless and my task is always the same. i am not solving anything or doing anything creative. but then, that is really just the lie hollywood tried to sell us, the truth is that most of us will spend our whole life doing something which won't have any impact on the world around us. it is just hard to realise and accept it. so in conclusion, this job taught me to be more assertive and helped my social anxiety, but is kinda boring and without any good outcome.... i just have to learn to be an adult and accept it... but in my heart is that little girl that wanted to save the world and all the animals, i feel like i am betraying her.......